If the answer is “No,” chances are that you are either experiencing some marital problems or that you are in the middle of a deployment. The good news is that it doesn't have to be both.
One of the things that extended deployments are blamed for is a skyrocketing divorce rate. No one seems to have actual figures (probably not something the military wants to be studied to carefully?), but I did read recently that an estimated 20% of all marriages are ending in divorce within 2 years of a long deployment. This sounds accurate to me; if anything maybe a little low.
The Army is starting to realize that this is a problem, and a new program has earmarked $2 million to address it. Unfortunately, it does not seem to extend to the Reserve component. And most families would rather the money, quite frankly, be spent on how to shorten deployments, especially in light of the recent news that they may be extended.
One key point to remember if you are a military spouse is COMMUNICATION. Unfortunately, as anyone who has been through a deployment knows, the frequency and length of communication can be very spotty. Most places are lucky enough to have decent phones and internet these days, but outside factors and mission needs can limit their use. So, rather than focusing on the quantity, go for quality. I have come up with a short list of tips that I hope will help:
1. Get a notebook and keep it by the phone. When that 5 am phone call comes, you may not remember to tell your husband that little Billy won the spelling bee, and I guarantee that you won't remember that new address for your soldier. (If you are like me, you may not even be certain in the morning that the conversation really happened!)
2. Remember to keep your spouse involved in news from home. Telling your spouse about all the things that are going on with your family and friends while they are gone will help keep them connected and make an easier transition when they do finally return.
3. Decide ahead of time how much you want to hear. Multiple studies have shown that soldiers who talk about their experiences are better able to deal with them. That said, I know many couples who have decided that they would rather not discuss it, usually with the idea of sheltering the non-deployed spouse from further worry. Personally, my imagination can conjure up things that are much worse than reality, so I do better if I know as much as possible. It is an individual choice and neither option is right or wrong.
4. Remember that there are things you can't know. Since my spouse is also my business partner, it was difficult for me at first to have him in this “other life” with things that I couldn't know about. But remember OPSEC is there to protect your soldier, so it is a frustration that is worth facing if a lack of information means keeping him safe.
5. Decide ahead of time how much bad news to tell your spouse. This is very similar to #3 and, again, should be established prior to the deployment. I know many spouses who adhere to the “don't tell him anything bad ever” rule, because they don't want to distract their soldier from the mission at hand with bad news that he can't do anything about anyway. Others prefer the “tell him about the car blowing up after the insurance has fixed it” rule, telling their spouse about problems only after they have been successfully solved. Personally, while I don't recommend the “spend every phone call crying telling him how awful life is” approach, I am more comfortable with an honest, tell it as it comes approach. For me, the ability to get input into decisions (especially dealing with our business) was very important. And for Steve, feeling like he was helping if only by listening, was important. Again, talk this over with your spouse and come to an arrangement you are both comfortable with.
6. You aren't a bad person if you cry on the phone. Remember, even if you are Super Spouse, leaping deployment issues in a single bound, you are still human. And being human, sometimes emotions will come out even despite our best intentions to keep them in check. Spending every phone call crying is probably not a good thing, but sometimes it happens. Its ok and it does get better.
7. Talk, talk, talk. And when you are done, keep talking. Talk to your spouse as much as possible prior to deployment. While they are deployed, make the most of the communication available to you; in this day and age of internet and satelite phones, hand written letters might still be the best tool that you have. And keep talking when your spouse comes home.
It isn't easy being a military spouse. The good news is that it CAN work and you CAN do it. A weekend retreat from the military won't preserve your relationship; a lifetime of good communication will.