One of the hardest things about this deployment has been hearing how much Ilyana misses her Daddy.  She talks about him every day, and when she got to talk to him on the phone the other day, all she kept saying was, “I miss you, Daddy,” over and over.

There is no way around it:  deployments are hard on families and especially tough on kids.  The Associated Press just did a story on this , which highlighted some of the issues that families face when Daddy or Mommy has to go away for military duty.

So, how do you help your children prepare for and deal with a deployment?  I am certainly no expert; this is our first deployment and I have only one child. However, some things that have helped us or others that I have talked to:

1.  Talk about it before Daddy or Mommy goes.  Use drill weekends or field exercizes or business trips to get your child used to the idea that a parent has to go away for a while.  And to reinforce the idea that they DO come back.  Whether you are active duty, reserve, or even IRR, the fact of the matter is that you are likely to be deployed at some point; start preparing for it now.  Obviously, you need to increase these discussions as soon as you have orders for a deployment, but don't overwhelm your child either.  Of course you want to tailor your discussions to your child's level, but even toddlers understand a lot more than we give them credit for.  Think about it this way:  if you think your child will notice that Daddy is gone (and there is evidence that this applies even to infants), you need to prepare them.

2.  Be sad together....  Of course you will be sad when your spouse deploys.  Thats normal and you have every right to be.  Your children will be too, so let them know that it is ok to be sad.  I have heard mixed opinions on crying in front of your children; the consensus from military spouses much more experienced than I am seems to be that you should try not to break down in front of your children; they need to know that you are strong and you don't want to give them any more reason to be unhappy or worried.  That said, sometimes you won't be able to help it, so use those times to let them know that it is ok to be sad. 

3 ....but be Happy too!  You need to live your life as normally as possible while Mommy or Daddy is gone.  Don't be afraid to do the things you used to do; it will be harder, but you can't put your entire life on hold and your spouse doesn't want you to.  You need to let your children know that it is ok to have fun, and you need to make time for it yourself.  Early in a deployment this seems impossible; it does get easier.

4.  Write letters and send things to Daddy.  Your children love to be involved in this and it sure makes Daddy happy when he gets those packages!

5.  Keep a deployment journal.  This not only keeps you motivated to go out and do things, but it also helps keep Daddy “involved” in all your deployment activities.  Scrapbooks are a great variation of this to share when Daddy or Mommy comes home.

6.  For older kids, find some other military families to connect with.  As a spouse, you know that unless you are talking to someone who has been there, as much as people try to understand, they have never been in your shoes.  Kids can also benefit from being around other kids who “get” what they are going through.

7.  Keeping a countdown?  I have mixed feelings on this one myself.  There are a variety of countdown calendars and chalkboards available online or onbase, or you can make your own.  While they might be great if you have a definite end date, any military spouse who has experienced a deployment can tell you there is no such thing.  Having seen the disappointment of families whose soldiers were literally on their way home and returned to duty, I personally think that these are a little too likely to set your child up for disappointment. 

8.  Stories from Daddy.  This is my very favorite suggestion.  Before Daddy left, he recorded some video of himself reading some of Ilyana's favorite stories so that we can replay them.  Since he has been gone, he has had the opportunity to send more.  This is a fantastic way for your spouse to feel connected to your children and for your children to see and hear Daddy.  It can be adjusted to any level; for older children (and for Mommies!) video letters are wonderful as well.  For infants or even during pregnancy, just hearing Daddy's voice can help get them acquainted with someone they may not see until they are almost a year old.  I have heard countless stories from other military spouses who have used this technique and, when they finally were reunited, Daddy was not a stranger.

So, those are just a few of my suggestions for how to deal with your children and a deployment.  And I am sure there are lots more out there!